Valentine’s Day is here. 

Jesus tells us in Matthew 22:39, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

And I’ve been wondering.

What if I don’t know how to love myself? What if I never really have? 

What if therefore I’ve been stiffing the people I do love from a fuller, richer, love and service and celebration from me? 

What if loving myself isn’t selfish, like so many people seem to imply (especially in the church)? What if this is actually the missing puzzle piece to experiencing God’s love more fully, and everything else flows out from that? 

What if this is something I need to pay attention to?

I’ve been searching for the answers to these questions like treasure in the dark, discovering the expanses within myself like delightful twists and turns on a map that only leads to more beauty and wonder and awakening.

Seek and you will find, Jesus tells us furthermore. And boy, have I been seeking.

Our pastor recently reminded us that Jesus loved Judas (who betrayed him), and He loves me all the more. 

Sitting with this love and truly, deeply receiving it is the best starting place (the only starting place, really) that will yield fruit. This is where self-love begins. I can love myself because He loves me… so much more than I can think or imagine. 

I am overwhelmed by this. I am grateful. I am committed to believing this and letting the rest of my life be an overflow of this amazing grace.

Here’s what I’m discovering on this pursuit:

The way I talk to myself matters. The voice in my head saying “Wow, how could you? You’re behind. You’re nothing.” drags me down. The voice saying, “Wow, look at that progress! You’re on your way. I’m so proud of you.” lifts me up. I want to uplift others, and I must start with myself. 

Every act in my day is a chance for a glimmer of support. Getting dressed in clothes I like. Eating food that excites me. Smiling at myself in the mirror (sounds strange—but try it! Proof we are for ourselves, not against). If we don’t do these things for ourselves, we can’t expect others to. We must show up!

Moving my body is an act of love and pursuit of my healthiest, fullest self. Not an attempt to become smaller. This shift changes everything.

Getting myself the pastry, just because, is a little way I love myself after so many years of strictly saying, “no.” 

Prioritizing the rhythms and habits that make me a better wife, friend, and human matter: morning pages, prayer, writing, creating, movement, etc. 

I must give myself a chance to succeed—setting the alarm early to work on my business dream. Publishing the post. Reaching out for the meeting. I must give myself a chance.

Dreaming big, thinking big, and believing big are a form of loving myself. I refuse to be the one to put a limit on myself. I must support, care, nurture, and listen. I am the first line of opportunity to pray about the things inside of me.

Listening to myself—my needs, my emotions, my desires—is non-negotiable. Again, if I don’t tend to these things, no one will. And left unchecked, like weeds in a garden, they will overtake my life. So I must pay attention. Notice. Pluck the weeds. Nurture what needs to grow.

Some questions to consider if you’d like to join me on this quest:

— What are some things I can do for myself in kindness?
— What is inside of me that I really need to listen to?
— Pay attention: What do I actually like wearing?
— What do I like eating? What leaves me feeling supported and nourished?
— What do ideal, full, vibrant days look like? How can I get a step closer to them?
— What parts of myself do I need to forgive? Nurture? Support?
— Who is a safe person I could talk to about this journey? Share notes on what you’re learning!

Cheering you on,
AR

Post Scripts

— Notes on noticing our emotions—

— I think you should make the jump. This is what I mean.

— When I really started listening to myself, this is one of the things I found—

— In my self-discovery I have found that I love wearing this top (or anything cheetah print, let’s  be real), these heels, and silk scarves (these are especially stunning!).