I had an awakening a little over a year ago: I am an Enneagram Four. 

This might sound like a simple declaration, but after bouncing between a One and an Eight (how I ever believed I was an Eight I will never know), let me assure you that this realization took my understanding of myself to a whole new depth. 

My mentor slash one of my favorite people in the whole wide world, Alyssa, hinted at my very Four traits (loving journals, coffee shops, sad music, deep thoughts, etc). As we pondered this possibility, we were swinging on a chair underneath a treehouse overlooking the beautiful greenery of East Texas, and in typical Four fashion, everything about the moment was serene. A sacred moment that I often think back to as such a gift from God. 

As soon as Alyssa asked me, “Do you think you’re a Four?”, it’s like I could see the world in a richer sense of color than ever before. It was a breath of fresh air. A level unlocked in my heart that I had previously kept guarded and hidden. The deeper I went in my faith, the more I questioned my feelings; what power, if any, they held in my life; and what to do with the unpleasant ones that rub up against the impossible, harmful idea that being a Christian means being cheerful, perky, selfless and happy! 24/7. 

After this realization of my place on the Enneagram scale (which can help us understand some strengths, weaknesses, and motivations of our personalities, but never our identities—that comes from God alone), I could finally admit that I love feelings. I love feelings! I love feeling things and experiencing life to the full. I want to squeeze every ounce of goodness out of the sweet things—no matter how small—and I’m also not opposed to sad, moody music. I love feeling connected to God, to other people, and to the person God created me to be. 

I learned pretty quickly, though, that things don’t always feel so great (obviously). Sometimes circumstances aren’t so great, but frankly, sometimes we’re just not feeling it. Sometimes we have a bad, irritable day for no particular reason at all other than the fact we are human. It’s part of the package deal, and those unpleasant feelings often show up quicker and less appreciated than the 2-day Prime delivery. So what to do with those unpleasant and often unwanted waves of fear, doubt, sadness, confusion, indifference, hurt? My natural reaction is to shove them in the back closet of my heart, never to surface or see the light of day again. No, ma’am, they will never make another appearance. If I can help it, they will never be seen again. Much like my high school diploma that’s collecting dust somewhere in the basement at home. 

Lucky for us, God knows this. And He gives us another way. He offers life and goodness and joy—yes, joy—even when things feel less than ideal. There’s a time, place, and importance to processing all of our feelings, especially the uncomfortable ones, and I’ve found that if I don’t, they only snowball and will cause distress in literally every area of my life—even physically. But our lives do not amount to our feelings or our ability to process them (thank God!). He exhibits all kinds of emotions that manifest in the stories of Scripture, and thankfully He is also more than a sad Taylor Swift song or a rainy day. 

God is so smart. So smart. One might dare to say an absolute genius. He created our minds and our ability to think and dream and learn—in His image. Our minds are intricate, intentional, and inventive. So it’s no accident that Scripture calls us to know and remember who God is. If I let my feelings lead every endeavor in my life, when I happen to feel like God isn’t near me, I can easily dismiss His constant and steadfast character… which is a big deal. 

This has been happening as far back as the Israelites making their way to the Promised Land in the Old Testament. It’s hard to read Deuteronomy and miss the fact that God continuously tells the Israelites to remember Him and what He has done. He wants them to remember that He delivered them from slavery. That He made a way for them when there was no way (hello, Red Sea). That He provided food and safety at every turn. That He did everything He said He would do. And right as they got to the edge of the heavenly land they had been aching for (with real feelings and real emotions just like us), God told them not to forget what He had done for them or who He is. Because God knew those reminders and that knowledge would carry them through and keep them steady even when their emotional state reflected otherwise. 

We are called to know God even when we don’t feel Him. To be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). This gets me. Because if I’m being really honest, sometimes I let my feelings speak louder than God’s voice, God’s Word, or God’s character. If I’m not careful, I’ll drown in a self-inflicted pit of worry and sadness (and maybe a pint of Ben and Jerry’s). While my feelings may be very real, so is God and His character, and I must know these things to go deeper or maintain this relationship with Him. He never wavers, while my circumstances and feelings might always be riding the neverending rollercoaster of change. Sometimes I need to wipe those sweet tears from my cheeks and remind myself who God is. Who He always has been, and who He always promises to be, too. 

I love the Reminder app on my phone. I use it almost daily. It’s so convenient to plug in the things I know that I need to do—”Laundry,” “Send that birthday text,” or “Take a deep breath”—that I will probably forget as soon as I’m wading through the day. There are some things I know I will never in a million years remember unless I pre-program them to get in my face at the exact right moment. Because who can remember to grab the jacket they said they’d bring back to a friend or to pay the parking ticket when they’re going a million miles an hour? Not me. A little clarity and organization usually seem to do the trick. 

The same is true with God. I need reminders. Constantly. Or else I’ll end up on the Feelings Freeway and won’t stop until I’ve run out of gas (okay, tears) and am desperately waving my arms for roadside assistance. 

Practically speaking, these are a few ways I try to remember God—both remembering to turn to Him, as well as remembering who He is. I need these reminders and the knowledge of Him, especially on the days that my feeble feelings try to convince me He’s miles away (which is such a lie it’s not even funny).

One Single Verse

There are times it’s helpful for me to jump into the Bible and keep reading until my little heart can’t consume any more of that goodness, and then there are other times when I need a single verse to remember. To hold onto. To speak over myself and play on loop as my anthem for the day. One of my faves is Psalm 16:8. If I can remember one single verse about God’s heart and faithfulness, I am on my way to remembering God in any future situation I face. 

Sticky Notes

I’m telling you—the power of the sticky note is real! Sometimes I need a visual reminder of a verse or even just a word—peace, patience, trust, faithfulness, delightful, humility—that reflects Jesus’ character or His love for me. I will intentionally place these squares of goodness in the areas I usually blast past without a second thought—like my bathroom mirror, my closet, or the dashboard in my car. It’s really powerful to visually see how He is always with us wherever we go—even in what may feel regular or mundane. 

Journaling the Mems

It’s great to read about the Israelites, but I’ve got to take it a step further and make it personal to keep my relationship with God active and alive. When I read about the Israelites’ journey, I’m inspired to write down and reflect on the very real ways that God has saved me and showed up for me in my own life. The times I’ve seen Him rescue me, speak to me, or even just show up. Because He has—over and over again. When I’m in my feels, these amazing moments are usually, sadly, the first thing I forget, write-off, or minimize. But they are just as real as the moments and grace the Israelites experienced years ago. Same God. Same heart. 

With all this being said, this is still coming to you live from a textbook Enneagram Four, so hear me say that feelings—and our expression of them—are important, beautiful, and healthy. Even still, they can keep us from remembering and knowing the goodness and faithfulness of God. So here’s to all the beautiful ways God gave us to connect with Him, whether we are in a season of feeling or remembering His very real presence and provision in our lives.